“Why I Won’t Say Choose Joy”
Excerpted from Sifted: Diary of a Grieving Mother by Karen Harmening
AUGUST 15, 2018
“Whoever sings songs to a heavy heart is like one who takes off a garment on a cold day, and like vinegar on soda.”
Proverbs 25:20 ESV
Some precious friends who also know the horrific sting of child loss were recently sent a post on social media outlining how they must choose joy and not sorrow. My heart ached for them as I read it. The reality is this sweet family has done a remarkable job of demonstrating faith, perseverance, and joy in the midst of deep loss. I have no doubt the sender was well-meaning and motivated by love, but it was obvious the post was written by one who lacks the understanding and wisdom gleaned from the depths of sorrow and loss that these dear friends intimately know.
There may be times in life when the mantra “choose joy” might be fitting and appropriate, particularly when spoken inwardly as a challenge to oneself. However, when dealing with deeply wounded, grieving, or struggling people, those two words may do more harm than good.
Saying “choose joy” implies they are not “choosing joy.”
It’s been fourteen months since Sarah left and I have made progress in learning how to carry the weight of sorrow. But some days are still of the magnitude of the very first days: staggering, take you to your knees, struggle to breathe days. A few days ago I had one of those days. No major trigger or cause, I just felt the full weight of missing my little girl.
I longed to be sharing in the excitement of her beginning college, to celebrate the next round of milestones with all her peers and their parents. My heart and eyes were overflowing with sorrow intermittently all day. If you had seen me that day, you could have reasonably yet wrongly concluded I lack joy.
If you aren’t intimately walking alongside a broken person daily it is impossible to accurately assess the presence or absence of joy in their lives. If they happen to reveal or share the weight of sorrow in their heart, it is not an indication that their heart is void of joy. Likewise, if they share the joy of their heart, that does not indicate their heart is now free of grief and sorrow. Even if you are confident in your assessment that a broken person is lacking joy, I beg of you to reconsider advising them to “choose joy.”
Saying “choose joy” implies joy and sorrow are mutually exclusive.
But it is still my consolation, And I rejoice in unsparing pain, That I have not denied the words of the Holy One. (Job 6:10)
The exhortation to “choose joy” is rooted in truth but lacking context. It fails to acknowledge the proper biblical context which consistently shows sorrow or distress and joy or rejoicing existing simultaneously in the lives of believers. Saying “choose joy” implies that joy and sorrow are mutually exclusive, that one must choose either joy or sorrow, one or the other. Therefore, if you are experiencing sorrow you must be failing to choose joy.
No right-minded person would ever choose to feel sorrow or bear grief. For most, if not all, it is inescapably thrust upon us. Sarah will not come back and my sorrow will not go away this side of heaven. If sorrow and joy are mutually exclusive I can never have joy. Praise God, that is not true. Joy and sorrow are NOT mutually exclusive. Joy and sorrow coexist.
Saying “choose joy” conveys you believe sorrow is no longer appropriate.
I am weary with my sighing; Every night I make my bed swim, I dissolve my couch with my tears. (Ps. 6:6)
If a deeply wounded person shares the details of their sorrow with me and my response to them is “choose joy,” I risk conveying to them that I believe their pain and sorrow are no longer appropriate. It may be perceived as indicating that I believe it is time for them to move on from their sorrow; that they should no longer feel it. Should they receive it that way they will likely no longer feel safe to be transparent with me about their sorrow. Thus potentially further isolating them in their pain and sorrow.
Saying “choose joy” is not actionable advice.
Be gracious to me, O LORD, for I [am] pining away; Heal me, O LORD, for my bones are dismayed. (Ps. 6:2)
In the midst of their brokenness and sorrow a challenge to “choose joy” is little more than an exhortation to “pull yourself up by your bootstraps.” While it sounds slightly more spiritual or religious, there is very little difference between saying “choose joy” and saying “don’t worry, be happy.”
How do you choose joy? If my soul is overwhelmed with grief, would I not prefer to feel joy if I knew how? How do I make it happen? Where does joy come from when your heart is completely shattered and the life you knew is no more?
I won’t say “Choose joy,” but I will weep with them.
Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep. (Rom. 12:15 ESV)
Weep with those who weep. Such simple instruction but so profoundly impactful. We were sent so many thoughtful gifts, cards, and letters, and the vast majority were precious, encouraging, and meaningful. I in no way want to diminish their value, but the greatest gift we have been given over the past year is the tears of those who have wept with us.
Just a couple of weeks ago I met someone whom I had not previously met. He shared with me that he had prayed for us and wept on our behalf in the days and weeks following Sarah’s death. As he shared, his eyes once again brimmed with tears. My heart was instantly knit to his, as was Scott’s when I shared with him. His tears and sharing of our pain were a comforting balm for our sorrowful hearts.
I won’t say “Choose joy,” but I will walk with them.
Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ. (Gal. 6:2 ESV)
…encourage the fainthearted, help the weak, be patient with everyone. (1 Thess. 5:14)
There is no end for some sorrows on this earth. It is not a sin for sorrow to linger. With that in mind, through the power and love of the indwelling Holy Spirit, I will continue to walk with my wounded friends. As the Holy Spirit leads I will share comfort from the comfort He has given me (2 Cor. 1:3-4). I will prayerfully “put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience” to bear with the broken and sorrowful around me (Col. 3:12).
I won’t say “Choose joy,”
but I will pray for them to have Hope.
Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that you will abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. (Rom. 15:13)
I believe Scripture makes it clear that our joy and our hope are inextricably linked. There is no joy apart from hope. If we are truly struggling to experience joy, then our hope is likely fractured or failing as well. If we fix our hope completely and properly, our joy will soon be “fixed” as well.
God fills us with joy, it is the fruit of the Spirit (Gal. 5:22). We can not simply muster it up, or will it into existence. Rather, as we crucify our flesh and fix our hope completely on the grace to be brought to us at the revelation of Jesus Christ, the Holy Spirit Himself will produce in us the joy God commands us to have (1 Pet. 1).
What a breathtakingly powerful encouragement it is that the God of hope will fill us with all joy and peace as we choose to believe in Him and thus we will abound in hope! Beautiful confirmation that it is not something we must muster, but that it is by the power of the Holy Spirit (Rom. 15:13). Hallelujah, Praise the Lord!
And I will pray for them to be empowered to greatly rejoice with joy inexpressible and full of glory!
If you, my precious brother or sister, find yourself feeling crushed beneath the weight of sorrow today, I pray for you as I pray for myself, and as Paul prayed for the Ephesians (vv. 1:16-21):
- that our Father may give us the Spirit of wisdom and of revelation in the knowledge of him
- that the eyes of our hearts may be enlightened
- that we may know what is the hope to which He has called us
- that we may know what are the riches of His glorious inheritance in the saints
- that we may know the immeasurable greatness of His power toward us who believe
- that we may know all of this according to the working of His great might that He worked in Christ when He raised him from the dead and seated Him at His right hand in the heavenly places
- that even in our deepest sorrow, we may be empowered through the working of the Holy Spirit, and through the glorious hope of His grace yet to be delivered, to greatly rejoice with joy inexpressible and full of glory! (1 Pet. 1:8, 13)
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